Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
