Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
