Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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