i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
