In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm at about main and main street
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
