Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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