I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
