Just took my morning after pill in the library
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
