Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
