K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
