after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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