your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Everything about him screamed your future.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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