i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
