and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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