he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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