Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
