how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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