feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
