Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How does it feel to date your dad?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
