you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
