Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
