you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
