remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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