The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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