Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
