The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
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