i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
