I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
