Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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