I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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