There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
