I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
