Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
