Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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