11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
from now on my penis is your penis
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
