Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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