Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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