I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
