Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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