I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
