a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
