I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
