The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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