alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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