I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
