I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
