I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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