Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
