need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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