My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
