Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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