So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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